How the Way You See Yourself Impacts Your Relationships.
It’s all too easy to point the finger at someone else when relationships fail. Even though at times it is someone else’s fault, it’s healthy to examine our own role in the health (or sickness) of the relationship in case we are the one sabotaging it.
One of the most common issues that wrecks a relationship is when you don’t have a healthy view of who you are. Often who you really are and who you think you are, are poles apart.
Last summer, when the kids were visiting, the old family photos were pulled out along with the family video archive. I realised, as I looked at photos of myself and watched videos of family parties, there were a few things I’d got wrong. First, I wasn’t fat! Yet, for years I believed it and hated myself for it. I didn’t need anyone else to body-shame me because I could do that expertly on my own! Second, I wasn’t ugly! I know at that time my self-esteem was at rock bottom. I could start at the top of my head and move towards my toes in a tirade of self-loathing, nothing was right, nothing good, nothing attractive. Such was my narrative.
So how did this impact my relationships? Well, as a teen, I wanted to be noticed and loved, but my default setting was to reject before I was rejected. The wall of sarcasm I erected around me to protect me also proved to be a turn off for anyone who could have been interested. Although Roy managed to get through those defences and won my heart, he didn’t win my confidence. I felt like it could all disappear in a moment once he took off those rose-tinted glasses and saw me for who I thought I really was on the inside as well as on the outside.
As our relationship progressed, it frustrated him that I always doubted his motives when he paid me a compliment. It was true that my first thought was always something along the lines of, ‘What’s the ulterior motive’. I really struggled to receive love because I didn’t love myself, and the way I viewed myself was far removed from reality. If you can relate to this, I’m sure you are wondering how to fix it? The good news is that you can, it’s hard work, but it’s possible.
So how do you figure out what is true? If you’re a Hunger Games fan, you’ll know that Peeta Mellark was tortured using Tracker Jacker venom. This venom distorted how he saw his past and his relationship with Katniss Everdeen. He wasn’t able to discern truth from the lies which had been fed to him. He couldn’t discern it for himself, so he started to ask true or false questions and gradually started differentiating between the lies he had believed and what the reality was.
Let’s say that the circumstances you’ve walked through have tortured you with thoughts of inadequacy, whether in your home life, your education, your workplace or past relationships. As a result, you’re finding it really difficult to differentiate between what you’ve believed and reality. There is an incongruence between the ‘who you really are’ and your concept of who you are. The first thing you can do is identify some good friends.
A good friend is one who will answer your true and false questions honestly. You can tell if you have friends who fall into that category by how they talk about others. If they compliment someone one moment and then say mean things behind their back the next, it’s no wonder that you’ve been finding it difficult to take anyone else’s compliments seriously.
Are they willing to tell you the hard things (without being mean)? There is a proverb which goes like this, ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy’. Friends who always flatter are not friends at all. If you’ve put on a few pounds, it’s better to have a friend who’ll be with you as you try and get back in shape rather than tell you that you haven’t and buy you a pastry. I want to spell this out; I’m not talking about a friend who will be mean or nasty, but a friend who is willing to tell you something tough in a loving way.
It’s not just down to friends to help you get out of the negative mindset you’re in. Your partner or your family can all help with the journey but the one who really needs to do the work is you! People can tell you something isn’t true until they are blue in the face, but it is pointless if you won’t believe them!
I used to find it really difficult if someone paid me a compliment. I felt obliged to point out the faults that they obviously weren’t seeing. That could have been anything from a spot on my chin to the layer of fat on my legs. If you’re guilty of that too, stop it! It’s your choice. You can change old patterns and behaviour. Instead, try saying, ‘thanks’.
You can also change your own narrative. Instead of listing to yourself, or others, all your flaws start identifying the good things about you. You may have to start with the things that you do but remember you’re not a human doing you’re a human being so at some point it has to cross over to who you are as a person.
As you make the transition to loving yourself, you’re going to start seeing changes in all your relationships. You’ll have more fun with friends, feel more comfortable with family and be able to receive love.
